I’m a little scared.
It’s as simple as saying that I don’t understand what’s next.
As it stands, I’m wrapped in the unique warmth of home. I’m dressed in my brother’s clothes and sitting 9 feet away from my mother’s closed office door.
I’m preparing to go for a walk. I have about an hour of audio-transmitted client research to do.
I missed 12am two nights ago.
I haven’t played video games in at least 18 months, but I played them on New Years eve with my brother. It was 12:09 when I realized that it was 2021. I didn’t (and am yet to) feel any sort of solace or hope from those 9-minutes (or any of the following days).
The new year washed over my like water of a duck’s back. Which is rather inconvenient, considering 2020 stuck with my like oil in a duck’s feathers.
The crux of the gist is that I’m just as uncertain as I was a weekend ago.
But, honestly, that’s ok. The uncertainty is energizing me. There’s something about the distinct possibility of fucking up grandly that’s really getting me going.
Maybe it’s all of the “triumph of the human spirit in 2020” advertisements that have almost made me cry several times.
Maybe it’s the fact that my goal for 2021 is to reach the earning potential I need to justifiably adopt a dog by the end of next year.
Maybe it’s the 3am notebook goal-setting sessions that do as much as half-hearted meditation in terms of helping me sleep and making me feel good about myself.
I’m a little anxious. That’s the word. Not scared — but anxious.
Despite the fact that I’m wearing my brother’s clothes 9 feet away from my mother’s closed door in a house where they turn up the thermostat to a level that I simply never would because I’m afraid of my heating bill — I’m anxious.
So, let’s just say what we’re all thinking.
Last year we were boating down the river, and we hit unexpected rapids.
This year, we’re staring down white-water and we’re going to have to paddle through it.
I’m uncomfortable. A lot of people are. 2021 doesn’t change that.
But this time we’re prepared for it. So let’s see if we can do some awesome shit.
